There’s a nice big wheelie bin that’s emptied once a month
For all those empty boxes, old envelopes and junk…
I can’t put that stuff in there: there’s never any room!
It’s packed full with newspapers (If she finds out, I’m doomed!)
First thing on Monday morning, two tabloids through the door
Then by afternoon, the Evening Post hits the hall floor…
Tuesday, it’s the same again and onwards through the week
So that by Saturday night the bin begins to creak…
The Morley Advertiser and the Wakefield Express
With The Morley Observer (Fine samples of our press)
They all come with those inserts she just CAN’T do without:
‘Win a car’, ‘We lend cash’ or ‘We’ll clean your gutters out’
Then we have the T.V. Mag which comes on Tuesday eve
Followed by a second one (on Thursday, I believe)
The dailies have their own mag. every Saturday morn
I look at the mounting pile (my face is so forlorn)
Then Sunday (Oh, dear me) she gets the News of the World
AND the Sunday Mirror puts my mind into a whirl…
You see, she doesn’t READ them…just sits for hour on hour
Turning o’er the pages in her paper-filled bower!
There’s newspaper on the table, also on the floor…
A four-foot high pile lurks behind the door,
Newspapers in the sideboard…behind her high armchair…
Underneath the bed-quilt AND behind the pillows, there!
She will NOT let me throw them out… “I haven’t read them yet!”
So the piles grow ever higher (Two years’ worth, I’ll bet)
Since she began to get confused the heap’s happily grown
(Like wire coat hangers in a wardrobe breed if left alone!)
Next week, while she’s out at the day centre, I do vow
I’ll start to do some winnowing (I’m ready, right now!)
I’ll throw out all those piles that lurk out of her sight
Behind her chair, in her bed (this room needs some daylight)
I’ve filled that bin near bursting: NO impression have I made
On that mountain of paper…in every corner, laid…
Oh, Dear Me…we’ve trouble…on her way back home today
She lifted the lid of that wheelie…she wants me off, away…
I’ve lugged it ALL back indoors (I know how to skin a cat…)
I’ve built a HUGE big mountain in the middle of the mat!
Even she can see that it all has to be thrown out…
Now she’s even offered more (I’m dreaming, without doubt!)
I’m stocking up the garden shed (while she sings this tune)
Then when that’s full, the outhouse has got a bit more room!
I’ve promised, faithfully, we’ll keep a month’s…so…
Behind her back I’ll sneak MORE of them: this lot just has to go!
I’ve used the ‘Yellow Pages’, booked a special skip,
Kenneth will take his Mother out for a scenic trip…
When they return, ’twill all be gone…no more a mouse-delight…
She’ll find herself queen of a shining house, so bright!